Strip Clue
by Graffito Tag
Summary: An 'innocent' game turns deadly in this hilarious Tenchi murder mystery. Slash fic (as in they get slashed up. Haha)


STRIP CLUE  
(The killer is unquestionably-AAGGKKKK!)  
  
It was another whiny ass Tenchi day. Everyone was gathered infront of the tv, being bored shitless because Tenchi had refused to allow them to have another orgy (damn him).  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi! Let's go out and do something!"  
  
TENCHI-"Sitting IS a thing."  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, for once this bizitch is right. There isn't anything to do!" Everyone nods in agreement.  
  
YOSHO-"Why don't we play a game?"  
  
WASHU-"You mean, like betting on who can kill the most political leaders?"  
  
KIYONE-"How about a sex game?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Game rhymes with same!"   
  
YOSHO-"I think I can satisfy everyones desires...Not like that, Ayeka. Put you're clothes back on." Yosho walks ironicly into the closet, and scrounges around until he pulls out a box.  
  
RYOKO-"A board game? You expect us to play that?"  
  
YOSHO-"It's not just any board game. I invented it." he hands Ryoko the box.  
  
RYOKO-"-STRIP CLUE-...how do you play?"  
  
YOSHO-"Gee, I don't know. Why don't you ask the instructions?"  
  
RYOKO-"Damn, what a bitch..."  
  
YOSHO-"Forgive me, I'm on my period." Yosho explains to them the rules of the game, and they begin to play.  
  
MIHOSHI-"I get to be the banker!"  
  
YOSHO-"There is no banker, weren't you listening?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Banker rhymes with wanker!"  
  
TENCHI-"...Hey! She's right!"  
  
A LITTLE LATER  
  
TENCHI-"...It was Mr. Green, in the kitchen, with the mailman!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"No one cares about those stupid soap operas, just hurry up with your turn!" Tenchi deliberates, and looks back at his notes.  
  
TENCHI-"Okay then, I believe that it must have been Chef Boyardee...in the bath house...with the cattle prod!"  
  
AYEKA-"Oops, sorry, Tenchi. But I have proof that your theory is incorrect."  
  
RYOKO-"You know what that means!"  
  
TENCHI-"Damn!" he takes off his shirt, revealing his suprisingly large man boobs.  
  
AYEKA-"PUT IT BACK ON!"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, shut the fuck up. Hey, how come I'm the only one who's lost any clothes?"  
  
WASHU-"Actually, Kiyone isn't wearing any pants."  
  
TENCHI-"But that's just because she's trying to seduce Mihoshi!"  
  
KIYONE-"...oh Mihoshi, I'm so embarassed. You can see my nipples through my shirt."  
  
MIHOSHI-"Well maybe if you put your pants back on, you wouldn't be so cold."  
  
KIYONE-"....."  
  
WASHU-"This is a waste of my time, I'll be in my lab, spanking the monkey."  
  
TENCHI-"...Huh?" Washu slams the door to the lab and leaves everyone to their game.  
  
KIYONE-"Okay, my turn" she rolls the dice. "Ah! I found a clue in the tool shed! You know what that means!"  
  
TENCHI-"*sigh* Fine..."  
  
KIYONE-"Not you!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Aaww!" She takes off her shirt.  
  
KIYONE-"Heh heh...I like this game!"  
  
  
LATER  
  
  
TENCHI-"But I cant take off my skin!"  
  
RYOKO-"Then I guess you lose."  
  
TENCHI-"Fine! But can I atleast have some clothes back?"  
  
AYEKA-"Here." she tosses him a sock.  
  
TENCHI-"Thanks a lot...bitch."  
  
AYEKA-"What?"  
  
TENCHI-"Nothing." Tenchi covers himself with the sock. "Wow, how roomy." This reminds Tenchi that he still has clothes in his room.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"So, who's next?"  
  
  
STILL LATER  
  
Tenchi decided to stay in his room after he got dressed, but soon grew bored of whacking off to his mom's picture.  
  
TENCHI-"I sure am bored with whacking off to my mom's picture..and my hand hurts like hell. Hmm...I wonder what Washu is up too..." Tenchi walks downstairs, where a near nude Mihoshi and Kiyone were still playing the game.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Kiyone! I really think the game is over!"  
  
KIYONE-"Don't be silly! I would tell you if it was, and since I haven't, it must not be over."  
  
MIHOSHI-"I guess so..."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Hey, Tenchi, what were you doing up there? I saw an awful lot of smoke comming out of that door..."  
  
YOSHO-"You found your mother's picture, didn't you?"  
  
TENCHI-blushing-"I don't know what you mean." He walks up to Yosho.   
  
TENCHI-whispering-"Hey, aren't you going to tell Mihoshi that she doesn't have to play anymore?" Yosho stares at him, then smacks him in the head. "Ow..oh, I get it." Tenchi remembers why he came downstairs, and turns the knob to Washu's lab. "Sorry to bother you, Miss Washu...Hello? Is anyone here?"  
  
He walks slowly into the room, leaving the door open behind him. He is confused at the severe lack of Washu. Suddenly, he slips on something and hits his head on the floor.  
  
TENCHI-"Aaah! Damn! Ahg, that really hurts! What did I slip on?" Tenchi finds himself lying in a pool of blood and shredded organs. "AAAHHHHHHHGG! HOLY SHIT! SOMEONE, GET IN HERE!" Everyone rushes into the room.  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi! What's wrong?"  
  
TENCHI-"Look at this!" Ryoko bends down and pulls up a clump of red hair.  
  
RYOKO-".....UH!!! I mean...NO!!" Noboyuki places his hand in the puddle.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"I don't feel a pulse!" Mihoshi starts crying.  
  
KIYONE-"What kind of sick FUCK would do this?"  
  
TENCHI-"We would have noticed someone in the house. Whoever did this must be in this room right now!" They all look suspiciously at each other.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Ryoko...I think you should go to the kitchen and get a sponge..."  
  
  
LATER, IN THE LIVING ROOM (Place with the tv)  
  
TENCHI-"Ryoko, I know how hard it is to lose a mom, so if you want to talk..."  
  
RYOKO-"Dammit! How many times do I have to tell you all that she was not my mother?"  
  
TENCHI-"What?"  
  
RYOKO-"Well..sometimes she is..."  
  
AYEKA-"We have to do something! Someone in this house is a cold blooded killer!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"M-O-O-N, that spells 'killer'!"  
  
TENCHI-"We have to call the police!"  
  
YOSHO-"NO!"  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, right, the whole 'crazy priest' thing. I'd forgotten about that."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Just how many people did you ass rape, dad?"  
  
YOSHO-"That's not important right now! And it was 23...but the point is, we can't get the authorities involved."  
  
KIYONE-"Besides, we already tampered the hell out of that crime scene."  
  
RYOKO-"Hey! Where the hell is Sasami?"  
  
AYEKA-"You're right, she hasn't been around all day...SHE DID IT!"  
  
TENCHI-"Ayeka! She's your sister!"  
  
AYEKA-"I know, that's why I gave her the benefit of the doubt." They begin searching the house. A shout from Tenchi brings them all to the bath house.  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, did you find the little murdering bitch?"  
  
TENCHI-"I don't think Sasami did it."  
  
AYEKA-"Why not?"  
  
TENCHI-"Because she's all dead and stuff." Sure enough, Sasami was floating face down on the bath water.  
  
YOSHO-"Well, that's one less suspect to worry about. Hey, why is everyone crying?"  
  
KIYONE-"Look at this!" Kiyone pulls a toaster out of the water.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Cool! A prize!"  
  
  
LATER, BACK ON THE COUCH  
  
  
TENCHI-"I'm scared!"  
  
KIYONE-"Someone is killing people....."  
  
YOSHO-"..and?"  
  
KIYONE-"That's all I got."  
  
AYEKA-"I can't believe it! Who could be doing this right under our noses?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Let's ask Washu! She's smart!" Mihoshi looks down at the bucket of Washu that they collected. "Okay, Washu..who killed you?"  
  
KIYONE-"Mihoshi, I don't think..."  
  
MIHOSHI-"ANSWER ME, BITCH!" She smacks the bucket, spilling Washu everywhere. "Oh no! I'm sorry Washu! I just got carried away!"  
  
RYOKO-"Mihoshi! Shut UP!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm tired. I'm goin to bed..anyone want to join me?"   
  
EVERYONE-"No!"  
  
TENCHI-"Yes...I mean No!"  
  
  
THE NEXT MORNING  
  
Everyone but Kiyone and Mihoshi were downstairs eating the only breakfast they knew how to fix. Toaster waffles (luckilly, the toaster was unharmed in its brush with Sasami).  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, I'm really worried about our safety. Anyone could be next..."  
  
TENCHI-"Oh don't worry Ayeka! I'm sure that no one else will be killed."  
  
AYEKA-"How can you be sure of that?"  
  
TENCHI-"I dunno."  
  
RYOKO-"Ayeka, you seem a little too happy for someone who just lost their little sister..."  
  
AYEKA-"Well, there's something I never told anyone...Sasami...molested me!" Tenchi sprays out the waffle he was eating all over Noboyuki. Then he takes another bite, and sprays that at him too.  
  
TENCHI-"What do you mean she molested you?"  
  
AYEKA-"She and Washu used to...oh, I can't describe it..."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Ayeka, it sounds like you would be pretty angry with them...angry enough to KILL THEM?"  
  
AYEKA-"Yes, so what's your point?"  
  
RYOKO-"Seems like you have a motive, princess."  
  
AYEKA-"Well, Ryoko, why don't you tell everyone about the INSURANCE SCAM?"  
  
RYOKO-"How'd you find out about that?"  
  
AYEKA-"Sasami told me all about it."  
  
YOSHO-"Excuse me, but what in the hell are you talkin about?"  
  
AYEKA-"Well, it seems our space pirate here was branching out. She made Sasami pose as her daughter. When Sasami faked her death that one time..."  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, I remember that! Thats the day when Grandpa told me his secret plan to kill Washu and..."  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi! Please, don't interupt! Anyway, after the deed was done, Sasami decided to cut Ryoko out of the deal, and she has hated her ever since!" Everyone stares in silence at each other.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Well, we all know who is the only one in the house who could get away with murder. Mihoshi!"  
  
RYOKO-"Of course! She's the only one who no one would suspect, or so she believed!" Kiyone walks down the stairs.  
  
KIYONE-"Good morning everyone."  
  
AYEKA-"Kiyone, have you seen Mihoshi?" Kiyone pours herself a glass of orange juice.  
  
KIYONE-"Mihoshi? Oh, she's dead."  
  
TENCHI-"DEAD?" They rush to Mihoshi's room, only to find her lying naked and completely still on the bed.  
  
YOSHO-"Hmmm...I've seen this kind of death before..." He examines the VCR. "It's just as I suspected. Someone forced her to watch Titanic."  
  
AYEKA-"And look at this, someone was playing an Alanis Morisette CD!"  
  
RYOKO-"That's monsterous! How could anyone hope to survive that?"  
  
TENCHI-"It seems like every time we believe we know who the murderer is, that person dies."  
  
RYOKO-"AYEKA DID IT!."  
  
AYEKA-"Very funny, Ryoko."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Kiyone! She was the only one who could possibly have been alone with Mihoshi!"  
  
TENCHI-"Of course! Perhaps Mihoshi was having a secret love affair with Washu and Sasami, and a jealous Kiyone had to get her revenge on them all!"  
  
They rush downstairs, only to find Kiyone still eating.  
  
RYOKO-"Haha! She's still alive, Ayeka! You owe me 20 bucks!"  
  
AYEKA-"Damn!"  
  
YOSHO-"Kiyone, we have to speak with you."  
  
LATER  
  
KIYONE-"What? You think I killed them all? But how could I? I was playing Strip Clue all night yesterday!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"She's right! And whoever killed Washu would have had to do so during our game."  
  
TENCHI-"Well then we're back to square one."  
  
AYEKA-"Not quite!"  
  
TENCHI-"Ayeka, what do you mean?"  
  
AYEKA-"I think I know who the murderer is! Follow me!" She leads them to the living room. "This is where we were all playing last night. You may remember Washu saying that it was a waste of time right before she left..."  
  
TENCHI-"Of course! It all makes perfect sense! How could I have overlooked such an obvious..."  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi! Shut up! From here, Washu goes into her lab." They run into her lab.  
  
KIYONE-"We already know that!"  
  
AYEKA-"Yes, but what we don't know is what happened between the time Washu entered the lab, and Tenchi slipped on her. That is, we didn't know, until I explained it to you."  
  
KIYONE-"But you haven't explained anything!"  
  
AYEKA-"So listen! Washu was sitting here by her computer, when someone, someone she thought she could trust, knocked her out, then proceeded to run her through this meat grinder!" She points at a large grinder lying on the floor of the lab.  
  
TENCHI-"But who?"  
  
AYEKA-"I'm getting to that! Now, during all the panic, one of us wasn't here...That person was already in the process of killing Sasami!" They all run into the bath house.  
  
RYOKO-"I get it! Since Sasami never screamed, and we found her still in the water, the killer must have been someone who she wouldn't be embarassed being naked infront of. That means it must have been a woman!"  
  
KIYONE-"Not neccessarily! It could have been someone who she WANTED to see her naked. Isn't that right, TENCHI?"  
  
TENCHI-"But I..."  
  
AYEKA-"You're both partially correct, but completely wrong! Sasami wasn't alarmed because whoever killed her was someone who she wouldn't fear...someone who she would turn her back on..."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Well, that counts me out! But who did it?"  
  
AYEKA-"Just follow me!" She leads them to Mihoshi's room. "This is where it all came together for me. If you remember, we found Mihoshi here naked. Actually, everyone who was killed was wearing no clothes. Also, remember how Yosho stated that he had seen this kind of death before."  
  
TENCHI-"You mean Grandpa..." They all look at Yosho, only to find that he already had a gun pulled on them.  
  
YOSHO-"Very good, Ayeka, but how did you put it all together?"  
  
AYEKA-"Simple, I just followed the clues...the Strip Clues! I remembered that these deaths were similar to the ones possible in the game."  
  
KIYONE-"The electrocution in the bath, the meat grinder in the lab, the video tape in the bedroom, I remember those too!"  
  
RYOKO-"And who would have known more about the game than its inventor?"  
  
TENCHI-"Come to think of it, I remember a few other important clues as well..."  
  
AYEKA-"No one cares, Tenchi."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"But...why?"  
  
AYEKA-"I can tell you that too. Yosho needed some simple research. He knew he could never market his game unless it was believable. He staged all of these crimes himself to test the realism of his mysteries."  
  
TENCHI-"Just like Angela Lansbury!"  
  
RYOKO-"You mean it wasn't a jealous lover or angry molested sister?"  
  
YOSHO-"Of course not. Lesbianism was just a red herring. And now that I have the information I need, I can dispose of you all!" Kiyone draws a gun.  
  
KIYONE-"I don't think so! Officer Kiyone of the galaxy police, I'm here to put a stop to this."  
  
TENCHI-"Kiyone is a cop?"  
  
EVERYONE-"....."  
  
YOSHO-"Damn! I'd forgotten as well!"  
  
KIYONE-"And now it's off to prison for this ass raping killer!"  
  
  
And so the evil old guy was placed into police custody, and was soon executed for his crimes.  
  
THE END  
  
  
If I was a dummass. But...how about this...  
  
  
NOBOYUKI-"She's right! And whoever killed Washu would have had to do so during our game."  
  
TENCHI-"Well then we're back to square one."  
  
KIYONE-"Not quite! I think I have something figured out! Follow me!" She leads them into Washu's lab. "Everyone remembers when Ryoko pulled up some of Washu's hair correct? Well, I noticed something odd about that hair, namely, a few of these." She pulls a small brown hair from her pocket.  
  
TENCHI-"Hey! Forensic evidence!"  
  
RYOKO-"So you're saying that hair belongs to the killer?"  
  
KIYONE-"Exactly, but only Washu's killer."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"...HUH?"  
  
KIYONE-"You see, Washu's murderer is already dead, ran through this large meat grinder," she points to the grinder " right beside her."  
  
YOSHO-"So, who was it then?"  
  
KIYONE-"None other that Washu's lab monkey!"   
  
EVERYONE-*GASP*  
  
KIYONE-"If you remember, Washu stated that she was going into her lab to 'spank the monkey'. I realized that she actually meant that she was going to spank a monkey!"  
  
TENCHI-"I get it! The monkey was fed up with Washu's beatings and struggled, sending them both into the grinder!"  
  
AYEKA-"Then who killed my sister?"  
  
KIYONE-"Now that I don't know..."  
  
RYOKO-"But I do!" everyone follows Ryoko into the bath house. "When we were in here the first time, I had noticed that everyone had overlooked a small piece of paper lying on the floor." she leans down and picks up a scrap of paper. "This is the key to Sasami's death."  
  
TENCHI-"What does it say Ryoko?"  
  
RYOKO-"It's a recipee for TOAST!"  
  
EVERYONE-*GASP*  
  
RYOKO-"Sasami didn't want everyone to find out about her culinary weakness. She hid in the bath all day trying to perfect her toast ability. Unfortunately, she never was a genius...."  
  
AYEKA-"You mean she brought the toaster into the bath, not knowing what would happen?"  
  
RYOKO-"That's what happens when you don't stay in school."  
  
KIYONE-"But what about Mihoshi?"  
  
RYOKO-"That is also simple. Mihoshi never told anyone, but I discovered she was extremely attracted to that guy on that movie Titanic."  
  
TENCHI-"You mean Leonardo DiCaprio?"  
  
RYOKO-"No, Doug Harper. Few people know about this, but if you play one scene really slowly, you can see him walk across the corner of a shot. Mihoshi paused it there, took off her clothes..."  
  
KIYONE-"You mean Mihoshi was masturbating when she died?"  
  
RYOKO-"Yes."  
  
KIYONE-"And I missed it? Damn!"  
  
TENCHI-"Then how did she die?"  
  
AYEKA-"It was the Alanis Morrisette CD, right Ryoko?"  
  
RYOKO-"Exactly! Mihoshi never knew the effects of Canadian singing on the organs. When she accidentally played the music, she began to bleed internally."  
  
NOBOYUKI-"You mean all these deaths were just horrible accidents?"  
  
RYOKO-"It seems that way."  
  
YOSHO-"....well, it's not like thats the first time. Isn't that right, Noboyuki?"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"I told you, I didn't KNOW I had diarhea!"  
  
THE END  
  
...Nah, that ending was pretty 'wacky'...but it still made too much sense! So this is what REALLY happened.  
  
  
NOBOYUKI-"She's right! And whoever killed Washu would have had to do so during our game."  
  
TENCHI-"Well now I'm goin to bed! G'night!" Tenchi walks up to his room and tucks himself in, trying to forget the psycho killings. He kissed his favorite doll. "Goodnight, Chuckie."  
  
LATER THAT NIGHT  
  
TENCHI-"Damn. I can't get to sleep with Dad snoring and that damn chainsaw running all the time! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind." Tenchi gets out of bed, adjusts the feet on his pajamas, and walks out the door. *CRACK*  
"Alright, who just knocked me unconcious?"   
  
  
Tenchi wakes up tied to a chair in a dark room with a splitting headache and too many descriptive phrases.  
  
TENCHI-"That sucked quite a bit of ball. What's going on here?" Someone strikes a match and lights a candle. For the first time Tenchi looks into the face of the killer.  
  
MIHOSHI-"HI TENCHI!"   
  
TENCHI-"Mihoshi? You're supposed to be dead!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh don't be silly. I was never dead!"  
  
TENCHI-"Yes you were! You were totally dead just yesterday, and I sound like an idiot saying that."  
  
MIHOSHI-blushing-"Oh, you didn't see me naked did you? I knew I should have gotten dressed before I went to sleep."  
  
TENCHI-"You were just sleeping? But what about the Titanic and Alanis CD?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"That was just...romantic mood..." she blushes again.  
  
TENCHI-"What the hell?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Tenchi, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend. Come here, Jason! I want you to meet Tenchi!" Tenchi sees a tall figure in the corner sharpening a machette. "Come on! You can do that later!" The figure stands up and sends a hockey masked gaze in Tenchi's direction.  
  
TENCHI-"...You're boyfriend..is Jason Vorheese?"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh, you've met him before?"  
  
TENCHI-"So he was the one killing everyone!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Don't be mad Tenchi! He's taking medication for it!" Jason holds up a sign.  
  
SIGN-"No I'm not." He walks up to Tenchi examining the machette. He raises it high, and lets it fall on Tenchi's head. *THWACK*  
  
TENCHI-"Well, this is just great! Now I'll never score!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Oh Jason! What will I do with you?" She gives him a big hug, and Jason holds up a package of Mentos.  
  
ANNOUNCER-"Mentos, the freshmaker!"  
  
  
THE FINAL END  
  
I appologize for any nonfunnyness. Thank you for your readership and hopefully your review. If you liked this, you may want to check out my other fanfics.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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